Catherine the Great & Peter Continued

Well from the previous lesson we now know what “cuckold” means and have already learned that Catherine has not been the most faithful of wives in the world. Buuuttt… the same would go for Peter. I guess his mentors got a little worried and sent in a “professional,” aka a prostitute, to solve that problem. Later, he had found himself a little mistress. Yes. This is real life.

The man Catherine was seeing at the moment was a man by the name Stanislaus Poniatowski. He would wear a blonde wig and sneak into her private pavilion at nights. (P.S. How in the world does one exactly sneak into a palace? I feel like they needed to get better security or a dog or something.) Peter on the other hand had a little lady named Elizabeth Vontosova who he was quite infatuated with. One night, Poniatowski, in his blonde wig of course, was sneaking out of Catherine’s chambers and went into a carriage when he just happened to run into Peter, his new little mistress, and their entourage. Elizabeth was being an annoying girlfriend which torked Peter off and in turn ordered Poniatowski to be seized. Words were exchanged and since Stan would not speak the truth, Peter shut him up in a room and basically told him that he could stay there until he was ready to talk. I feel like this is the Russian equivalent to an adult time out. Poniatowski was able to weasel himself out of that situation. 

Well people among the Royal Court don’t have anything better to do than gossip so it was not surprising that within the next 24 hours everyone and their dog had heard of the episode the night before. That had expected Poniatowski to be sent home right away (He was not Russian), which would have been devastating to poor, little Catherine (If you can’t, you should detect my sarcasm here.). So what did she do? She went up to Peter's girly friend and basically asked her persuade her husband to have Poniatowski stay longer. ACA-AWKWARD! I can just imagine how that conversation went. “Umm.. Hey girl hey!” (Greeted with a hive five) “I know about you and my husband (Hand casually laid on her hand) and you know about me and Stan.” (Both ladies nodded) “Well… (Awkward silence) I would really like to continue to errr "date" him, but he is going to be sent away. Soo…. (Another awkward silence) Would you mind being extra “nice” to my husband and maybe put in a few good words for me so he won’t be sent away?” (Slowly patted her hand.) “I would really appreciate it.” Elizabeth is stunned and is not quite sure how to react. “Sure. I guess that I could do that…” Elizabeth sounds like Napoleon Dynamite when she exclaimed “Yesss” while bowing her head and a fist pump.

Though that is how I pictured that in my mind, those are probably not the words Catherine chose. But whatever she did say, it must have worked because he was able to stay. Yah! (Arms raised and jumping up and down. Insert sarcasm.) Later, they were all at a ball and who ended up dancing together? Elizabeth and Stan. After a few remarks exchanged, Elizabeth told him that he should come up to the villa after midnight. So he did and both Peter and Elizabeth were there. Probably half drunk, Peter had said “Are you not a great fool not to have been frank with me from the beginning? If you had, none of this mess would have happened.” Stan basically just nodded in agreement and then they became the best of friends. After a short bit of time, Peter was like “Did we just become best friends?” I’m surprised they didn’t go do karate in the garage. But there was someone missing…… So what does Peter do? He freaking goes and drags Catherine out of bed. Now it’s a party. Husband and wife with their respected lovers. Yesssssss. Once again. Yes. This is real life.

Could you imagine sleeping peacefully in your bed when your “husband” barges in, grabs you, and drags you to his room where you find his girlfriend (which you are not so surprised about) but also your boyfriend (which you are extremely surprised about). From Stan’s memoirs, he wrote “we all sat down, laughing and chattering and frolicking around a small fountain (Yes, he used the word “frolicking.” I feel like I don’t even need to place any further comment on that.) in the room as though we had not a care in the world. We did not separate until four in the morning. Mad as this may seem, I swear that is the exact truth.”

Well isn’t that just picturesque for one big happy “family.”(Insert sarcasm.)

This didn’t just happen once. Peter kept asking him to come back. This was totally Peter having control over Catherine. He was like “Oh yah. I invited your bf over for dinner. He not only had control over his love affair, but now he had control over Catherine’s. Uh-oh spaghetti-o. 

And here it comes!!!!! Exerpt from the book: “It was his moment of triumph over Catherine. For many years, he had himself felt inferior to his wife. He had tried to humiliate her privately and in public. He had ignored her, shouted at her, ridiculed her, and betrayed her with other women. He had made condescending, usually inaccurate, remarks about her intrigues with other men. (True, she was not into one-night stands. She had lovers who she had actually truly cared about and stayed with for long periods of time… for whatever that is worth) Now the moment had come when, with his mistress on his arm, he could smile across a table at Catherine and her lover on an equal basis. He was not embarrassed by being made a… (drum roll please…) CUCKOLD.” BAM! Cuckold!!!!

Bah ha ha. Please tell me I am not the only one who thinks that whole situation is hilarious. AND let’s be real here, “cuckold” was used, which made it at least 14.596 times better.

These people were really messed up. And they were super popular and powerful rulers of Russia, ONE OF THE BIGGEST COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD!

I am literally shaking my head. Sigh.

This here people, is history.