Catherine the Great Wasn't Even Russian.... Wait What?

Currently, I am reading a book about Catherine the Great. For you all, who I would assume have practically zero knowledge on 18^th century Russian history, I will give you a very short condensed version:

Peter the Great, who I pray many at least have heard of the name, had a daughter named Elizabeth. Even though she had the right to rule after the deaths of her father and mother, she did not take it. Instead, she was in modern terms, a partier and a whore. (Let’s be real here.) But apparently she got sick of that lifestyle and changed her mind. Fast forward. After a coup-d’etat and the imprisonment of a baby, (Yes, a baby.) she was the Empress of Russia. Now, because of her past, no sane man who cared about his political reputation would marry her. Back then wearing white down the wedding aisle signaling virginity actually meant something to society. Plus, at that point she was kinda getting old. This would have made her a cougar, the Real Housewives of New Jersey style. This posed a problem for her. The Orthodox Church was very powerful in Russia during that time they would have had a cow if she had a child out of wedlock. No husband, no baby. No baby leads to no heirs…  which would leave her power being vulnerable and likely to be overthrown.

Her goal: Find a baby who would secure her reign so nobody would come in the middle of the night and slit her throat to take over the crown. Fast forward. She brought Peter, a teenager (her nephew) from Holstein (Germany) to Russia. That was step one, now she needed to figure out step two: Finding him a wife to pop out babies (legitimate babies might I add). This was another obstacle. In the end, she brought Sofia (Russian Orthodox name: Catherine) from Germany to Russia to be his wife. Catharine actually already knew Peter. She did not quite think he was strong, irresistible, or handsome. Rather, he was a sickly, abused, abandoned teenager. But, she basically hated her life (especially her mother) so she was stoked about going to Russia. Supes great. Elizabeth got a boy and a girl to come to Russia in the hopes of securing her throne. They got married. But the funny thing about this marriage was that it was never consummated. How can you have babies without sex? Oh wait, you can’t.

This went on for years. They slept in the same bed for heaven’s sake! There might as well have been a line of pillows going down the middle of the bed because they didn’t even share a goodnight kiss. There have been speculations to the reasoning of this lack of physical romance, (on Peter’s part) but that is not important for the sake of this little rampant. (Strange though) Fast forward. Catherine found herself some secret lovers which was how she was able to get prego. (Tisk, tisk) Peter obviously knew the baby wasn’t his but this was on the down-low for a short time. People eventually found out who the real father was but by that time no one particularly cared.

She gave birth to a baby boy named Paul who Catherine hardly saw. He was whisked away at birth by Elizabeth and his own mother didn’t see him for weeks. Seldomly, she was granted a day out of the week to watch him play in the garden, but that was a rare occasion. Talk about a dysfunctional family.

Relations between Catherine and Peter weren’t so swell. By now the invisible line in their bed expanded to separate bedrooms. Since Catherine’s uterus did its biological duty, she was no longer needed by Empress Elizabeth.

So that’s Catherine and Elizabeth. Let’s focus in on Peter for a quick second. Peter was a freak. This German boy who was in his 20’s bloody hated Russia. For fun, he used to order everyone to dress up in Prussian military attire and drilled the “military men” around his bedchamber. Now, I’m all for building blanket forts in the living room, but I think that this is taking it a weee bit far.

And this was only the beginning…