Smallpox, Catherine, and a Little Boy Named Alexander Markov

Living in the great U.S of A, my generation has never really experienced a plague or an epidemic. I mean we’ve had the swine flu scare and all that jazz, but I can’t say that my life was ever quite endangered. There is a lot of hype about vaccinations these days but I’m sure the majority of us got the chickenpox vaccine. Now a vaccine is literally the virus (in mild form) injected into your body to build an immunity. Some people are just fine and dandy but some people, like me for example, get a mild form of the sickness. Chickenpox vaccine? I friggin got the chickenpox. Measles, mumps, rubella vaccine? I friggin got the mumps. And let me tell you, those suckers hurt. One time in the 6^th grade I even got Scarlet Fever. Are you kidding me?!? I thought that died out in like the 18^th century. But noooooooo, this girl went delirious because of her extremely high fever and had to miss her 6^th grade Valentine’s Day dance. It was tragic.

But you know what? Vaccinations didn’t always exist. In fact, in the beginning of their existence, they were seen as a death wish and anyone who got one was considered a fool. Smallpox was a disease that swept Moscow, Russia during Catherine’s reign. Some of you might think ahhh it was just small pox and would liken it to chickenpox. Heck no. Goggle it, I dare you. You will basically be scarred for the rest of your life. Talk about a horrific and deforming diseases. And this thing was contagious. From the stories Catherine told, people she knew would get it one day and drop dead several days later. Catherine worried, and for good reason, about the health of her and her son Paul. So, she decided to take the brave step and bring Dr. Thomas Dimsdale to Russia administer the prick of the needle.

Have you ever wondered where they got the actual virus from to inject into your body? I don’t know about today but back then they got it from sick people! Literally, they stuck a needle into pustules of a patient and drew it out. That, is disgusting. Dimsdale was super worried about the procedure. People could die from it and no one wants to be responsible for the death of the Russian Czarina. That would be no bueno. Catherine shot down his cautions but finally agreed to allow him to experiment on some of the local YOUNGSTERS. (Wow.) After that, it was decided that she would be inoculated on October 12, which just so happens to be my birthday. (I will be expecting many cards this year.)

In preparations, Catherine stopped eating meat and drinking wine prior to this date and began to take calomel, powder of crab’s claws, and a tartar emetic. What was this for exactly? I have no bloody idea. Dr. Dimsdale took the smallpox matter from a peasant boy named Alexander Markov (don’t worry, he was ennobled, haha) and stuck it into her arm. She then went into isolation and “exercised outdoors for two or three hours a day.” Now I don’t exactly know how female rulers of the 18^th century exercised. They didn’t quite put on their Nike shoes and go for a run on some trails. Flashes of Jane Austen movies appear in my mind when girls get headaches and are  so weak that they were bedridden for like a week. I’ve always wanted to yell to the television “RUB SOME DIRT ON IT AND WALK IT OFF.”

But at the end of the day, she survived and by 1780 twenty thousand Russians were inoculated and by 1800, two million were.

Fist bump to Catherine the Great.   

Catherine the Great & Peter Continued

Well from the previous lesson we now know what “cuckold” means and have already learned that Catherine has not been the most faithful of wives in the world. Buuuttt… the same would go for Peter. I guess his mentors got a little worried and sent in a “professional,” aka a prostitute, to solve that problem. Later, he had found himself a little mistress. Yes. This is real life.

The man Catherine was seeing at the moment was a man by the name Stanislaus Poniatowski. He would wear a blonde wig and sneak into her private pavilion at nights. (P.S. How in the world does one exactly sneak into a palace? I feel like they needed to get better security or a dog or something.) Peter on the other hand had a little lady named Elizabeth Vontosova who he was quite infatuated with. One night, Poniatowski, in his blonde wig of course, was sneaking out of Catherine’s chambers and went into a carriage when he just happened to run into Peter, his new little mistress, and their entourage. Elizabeth was being an annoying girlfriend which torked Peter off and in turn ordered Poniatowski to be seized. Words were exchanged and since Stan would not speak the truth, Peter shut him up in a room and basically told him that he could stay there until he was ready to talk. I feel like this is the Russian equivalent to an adult time out. Poniatowski was able to weasel himself out of that situation. 

Well people among the Royal Court don’t have anything better to do than gossip so it was not surprising that within the next 24 hours everyone and their dog had heard of the episode the night before. That had expected Poniatowski to be sent home right away (He was not Russian), which would have been devastating to poor, little Catherine (If you can’t, you should detect my sarcasm here.). So what did she do? She went up to Peter's girly friend and basically asked her persuade her husband to have Poniatowski stay longer. ACA-AWKWARD! I can just imagine how that conversation went. “Umm.. Hey girl hey!” (Greeted with a hive five) “I know about you and my husband (Hand casually laid on her hand) and you know about me and Stan.” (Both ladies nodded) “Well… (Awkward silence) I would really like to continue to errr "date" him, but he is going to be sent away. Soo…. (Another awkward silence) Would you mind being extra “nice” to my husband and maybe put in a few good words for me so he won’t be sent away?” (Slowly patted her hand.) “I would really appreciate it.” Elizabeth is stunned and is not quite sure how to react. “Sure. I guess that I could do that…” Elizabeth sounds like Napoleon Dynamite when she exclaimed “Yesss” while bowing her head and a fist pump.

Though that is how I pictured that in my mind, those are probably not the words Catherine chose. But whatever she did say, it must have worked because he was able to stay. Yah! (Arms raised and jumping up and down. Insert sarcasm.) Later, they were all at a ball and who ended up dancing together? Elizabeth and Stan. After a few remarks exchanged, Elizabeth told him that he should come up to the villa after midnight. So he did and both Peter and Elizabeth were there. Probably half drunk, Peter had said “Are you not a great fool not to have been frank with me from the beginning? If you had, none of this mess would have happened.” Stan basically just nodded in agreement and then they became the best of friends. After a short bit of time, Peter was like “Did we just become best friends?” I’m surprised they didn’t go do karate in the garage. But there was someone missing…… So what does Peter do? He freaking goes and drags Catherine out of bed. Now it’s a party. Husband and wife with their respected lovers. Yesssssss. Once again. Yes. This is real life.

Could you imagine sleeping peacefully in your bed when your “husband” barges in, grabs you, and drags you to his room where you find his girlfriend (which you are not so surprised about) but also your boyfriend (which you are extremely surprised about). From Stan’s memoirs, he wrote “we all sat down, laughing and chattering and frolicking around a small fountain (Yes, he used the word “frolicking.” I feel like I don’t even need to place any further comment on that.) in the room as though we had not a care in the world. We did not separate until four in the morning. Mad as this may seem, I swear that is the exact truth.”

Well isn’t that just picturesque for one big happy “family.”(Insert sarcasm.)

This didn’t just happen once. Peter kept asking him to come back. This was totally Peter having control over Catherine. He was like “Oh yah. I invited your bf over for dinner. He not only had control over his love affair, but now he had control over Catherine’s. Uh-oh spaghetti-o. 

And here it comes!!!!! Exerpt from the book: “It was his moment of triumph over Catherine. For many years, he had himself felt inferior to his wife. He had tried to humiliate her privately and in public. He had ignored her, shouted at her, ridiculed her, and betrayed her with other women. He had made condescending, usually inaccurate, remarks about her intrigues with other men. (True, she was not into one-night stands. She had lovers who she had actually truly cared about and stayed with for long periods of time… for whatever that is worth) Now the moment had come when, with his mistress on his arm, he could smile across a table at Catherine and her lover on an equal basis. He was not embarrassed by being made a… (drum roll please…) CUCKOLD.” BAM! Cuckold!!!!

Bah ha ha. Please tell me I am not the only one who thinks that whole situation is hilarious. AND let’s be real here, “cuckold” was used, which made it at least 14.596 times better.

These people were really messed up. And they were super popular and powerful rulers of Russia, ONE OF THE BIGGEST COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD!

I am literally shaking my head. Sigh.

This here people, is history.

Cuckold: What Steve Carell off Crazy, Stupid, Love and Peter (Catherine the Great's Husband) have in common: With a zesty flavor of Ryan Gosling to naturally turn up the heat.

If anyone has never seen the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love you might as well stop reading this now because it is not going to make any sense to you. Instead, go watch the movie. (Well that’s a lie, read it anyways.) But the movie is great. Especially if you are a girl and think that Ryan Gosling is a babe. (Cough, Cough. Because he is…) And if you don’t think so, stop lying to yourself.

So you know when Cal is at the bar (after he rolled out of a moving vehicle), wearing his khakis (probably from the Gap) and sneakers (New Balance I believe?), drunk from watered down cranberry vodkas, and ranting and raving about David Lindhagen? (Good ol' Kevin Bacon) “David Lindhagen cuckolded me! He made a cuckold out of me!” he shouted at the bar to anyone and everyone. While I was sitting there watching that scene, I was thinking to myself, “What does “cuckold” mean?” I would like to think that I have a pretty expansive vocabulary, but not only did I have absolutely zero idea what this word meant, by no means have I ever even heard of it before.

Cuckold: The husband of an unfaithful wife. What?! There is an actual, established word for this! Of course I searched if a term existed for the wife of an unfaithful husband. If one didn’t exist, I would have been extremely offended and created one myself. Not that I am a feminist, I am more so just a modern woman. But there was no need for those measures because such a word does exist; it is “cucquean.” Bam. Now you know two more words. Add those to your vocabulary. You are welcome.

But back to the point. So I am chilling and reading my sweet biography of Catherine the Great, when what little word do I come across? Cuckold! Remember the little promiscuity that Catherine exhibited? Those little rendezvous branded Peter as a cuckold.

And that, is your vocab lesson for the day which will come in handy for the next lesson.  

Catherine the Great Wasn't Even Russian.... Wait What?

Currently, I am reading a book about Catherine the Great. For you all, who I would assume have practically zero knowledge on 18^th century Russian history, I will give you a very short condensed version:

Peter the Great, who I pray many at least have heard of the name, had a daughter named Elizabeth. Even though she had the right to rule after the deaths of her father and mother, she did not take it. Instead, she was in modern terms, a partier and a whore. (Let’s be real here.) But apparently she got sick of that lifestyle and changed her mind. Fast forward. After a coup-d’etat and the imprisonment of a baby, (Yes, a baby.) she was the Empress of Russia. Now, because of her past, no sane man who cared about his political reputation would marry her. Back then wearing white down the wedding aisle signaling virginity actually meant something to society. Plus, at that point she was kinda getting old. This would have made her a cougar, the Real Housewives of New Jersey style. This posed a problem for her. The Orthodox Church was very powerful in Russia during that time they would have had a cow if she had a child out of wedlock. No husband, no baby. No baby leads to no heirs…  which would leave her power being vulnerable and likely to be overthrown.

Her goal: Find a baby who would secure her reign so nobody would come in the middle of the night and slit her throat to take over the crown. Fast forward. She brought Peter, a teenager (her nephew) from Holstein (Germany) to Russia. That was step one, now she needed to figure out step two: Finding him a wife to pop out babies (legitimate babies might I add). This was another obstacle. In the end, she brought Sofia (Russian Orthodox name: Catherine) from Germany to Russia to be his wife. Catharine actually already knew Peter. She did not quite think he was strong, irresistible, or handsome. Rather, he was a sickly, abused, abandoned teenager. But, she basically hated her life (especially her mother) so she was stoked about going to Russia. Supes great. Elizabeth got a boy and a girl to come to Russia in the hopes of securing her throne. They got married. But the funny thing about this marriage was that it was never consummated. How can you have babies without sex? Oh wait, you can’t.

This went on for years. They slept in the same bed for heaven’s sake! There might as well have been a line of pillows going down the middle of the bed because they didn’t even share a goodnight kiss. There have been speculations to the reasoning of this lack of physical romance, (on Peter’s part) but that is not important for the sake of this little rampant. (Strange though) Fast forward. Catherine found herself some secret lovers which was how she was able to get prego. (Tisk, tisk) Peter obviously knew the baby wasn’t his but this was on the down-low for a short time. People eventually found out who the real father was but by that time no one particularly cared.

She gave birth to a baby boy named Paul who Catherine hardly saw. He was whisked away at birth by Elizabeth and his own mother didn’t see him for weeks. Seldomly, she was granted a day out of the week to watch him play in the garden, but that was a rare occasion. Talk about a dysfunctional family.

Relations between Catherine and Peter weren’t so swell. By now the invisible line in their bed expanded to separate bedrooms. Since Catherine’s uterus did its biological duty, she was no longer needed by Empress Elizabeth.

So that’s Catherine and Elizabeth. Let’s focus in on Peter for a quick second. Peter was a freak. This German boy who was in his 20’s bloody hated Russia. For fun, he used to order everyone to dress up in Prussian military attire and drilled the “military men” around his bedchamber. Now, I’m all for building blanket forts in the living room, but I think that this is taking it a weee bit far.

And this was only the beginning…

A Little Introduction

Well Welcome, Welcome!

History, one of the most hated classes in school, is more often than not taught wrong. To put it short and sweet, history is not just memorizing dates and important figures in the past. In fact, I am quite against such methods. History, quite frankly, is learning about real people. They are individuals, like you or me, who have lived their lives and made some scale of impression on the world, big or small, good or bad. The most fascinating, intriguing, disturbing, comical, brilliant, and horrific ideas and events in history are not taught in history classes! …Until now in my “Unorthodox Classroom.”

History is quite ridiculous if you ask me. One must remember and keep in mind that historical famous figures are indeed real people. It is this often over-looked reality that intrigues my interest in this subject. In these “lessons,” I am going to relate past people/events in modern terms and shed some light on the topics in contrast to the world that we are living in today. This is going to be a mixture of unprofessional, sarcastic, satirical, serious, and comical views of crap that has happened.

You will learn more in the few minutes it will take to read these than you did in your entire school career. AND lets be real here, it will be more entertaining.